A Memorable Summer …
Santee, Starr, Charlene, Ray-Ray, Eddie and Benny were inseparable, but this summer day everyone was doing their own thing. Santee was spending time at Starr’s house with her sister Candice. Starr was at a classmates house hanging out. Charlene was at her summer youth job. Ray-Ray was upstairs braiding her boyfriend Donovan’s hair, and Benny was nowhere to be found.
It was about ninety degrees and the humidity was at eighty percent, it was hot. The sun was beaming, and everyone and their families were outside. The streets were blocked off from one corner of Faille Place to the next. The block party was in full force. The music was pumping, Mr. Softee was selling ice cream, the piragua man was selling icees, the puppeteer was putting on a show, the carousel was out there, the sprinklers were on cooling off the kids as they ran in and out of the cold water. Eddie and his teammates were playing softball while everybody laughed and enjoyed themselves. From the fire escapes in the courtyard, you were able to see the happenings on Faille Place. The block party was definitely on point this day. The food was on the money and everyone was having a blast, until the unthinkable happened.
Santee was standing on the fire escape in front of Starr and Charlene’s window chilling out waiting for Candice to come and join her. She was wearing a pink and white terry clothe short set with the back out, matching sneakers, and two pig tails with big pink and white ribbons. She was looking just as cute as she wanted to be. Santee danced to the beat of one of Idi Chacon’s songs; she had a thing for Latin music. While practicing her salsa steps, she noticed her prince Benny, he who was not looking so charming this afternoon. Benny seemed different, this day. He had a zombie like stride, his entire persona appeared to be melancholy, and his eyes dazed. He looked up to Santee with a half smile as if it would be his last one. Saddened and concerned by the prince’s somber façade, Santee started to question him, but decided to give him space, not knowing she would live to regret her actions. Benny walked through the tunnel of the next building, which was abandoned, she did not find it to be bizarre because it was the place everyone went to clear their minds.
Continuing to dance and sing as if her life depended on it, Santee envisioned being spun by an invisible partner. She was feeling the music as it invaded her mind and her body. The girl had moves that would knock Idi Chacon off the charts. Latin music brought out the Latina in Santee. She was able to read, write, understand and speak the language. Santee even borrowed their accent, which became natural to her because Starr and Charlene were Hispanic and Santee was raised within their culture.
As Santee’s invisible partner spun her for the second time, she lifted her head towards the heavens, and that is when Santee saw her world crashing down upon her. Like a baby bird being pushed from its nest to fly for the first time, Benny jumped to his death. The hairs on every part of Santee’s body stood at attention, her face turned as white as a ghost, her feet cemented to the fire escape. Santee became dehydrated as her screams roared with the defiance of thunder crackling through the sky. It swept through the yard, leaving no brick untouched, and bounced from building to building as it fearlessly skirmished its way through the streets. The sound echoed through the community knocking them over. His death let everyone know that the festivities had just ended, as well as Santee’s life.
Friday, June 18, 2010
MISPLACED LOVE
From the conversation we had I knew he was the one for me. As he spoke about old school music, moving to another state, his job and his love for cooking all I could hear was my heart beating ninety miles a second. This man had no clue that I was falling for him. Wow, how was that possible when we were in each other’s presence for a period of time? We knew nothing about one another and the only thing we had in common was the fact that an unfortunate death had brought us together.
Mmmmmm, that man, that chocolate, sweet smelling, articulate, humorous man had every quality a girl, no, a woman could ever want. It was funny when you think about it because how would I know what qualities the man possessed, I hardly even knew him; no I did not know him at all. He was just doing my dad a favor by driving me home.
The closer we got to my humble abode the more I craved being around him. My insides were going crazy. I wanted him so bad I did not know what to do or how to react toward him, but there was one thing for sure I needed, wanted, and had to have him. The question was how I was going to get him. Too afraid to ask for his number I just stayed silent as he talked I listened and shared a few things with him as well. Damn, I could not believe that I was at a lost for words, not me, mouth oh mighty. Yeah, that is hilarious. I do not recall exactly what it was about him but what I did know was that he drove me insane internally and I did not know how or why. He was making love to me mentally and did not know it but I was absorbing every molecule.
The ride home did not take as long as I would have liked because when I turned around I was closed to home. When he pulled up to my building I was saddened and at the same time frightened because I knew it would be the last time we would ever see each other again. I prayed that it wouldn’t be. On the inside I wanted him to make a move, give me some kind of sign that he was interested in me because I was desperately in awe over the feelings that was drawing me to him. This type of thing had never happened to me before. I am surprised he could not sense it.
As I walked into my building I hoped that he was watching me feeling me as I was feeling him. I wanted him to call out to me and say something, anything about seeing him again, but to no avail. So, I kept walking until I reached the lobby of my building, walked down the stairwell, opened the exit door, walked down the hall and took my keys out as I approached my door. That is when I took a deep breath and sighed as the somberness to control of me. I missed him already. What the hell just happened? I thought to myself.
Anyway, I opened the door feeling puzzled and looking confused, I needed a drink in the worse way. I kept telling myself there was no way in the world I could emotionally attach myself to him. He was a stranger, well he may not have been a stranger to my dad and his wife’s side of the family, but he was a stranger to me, but how was it possible for me to want him as badly as I had. I sat on my couch with drink in hand pondering over my dilemma. I began attempting to process the unusual sensation I was having for a man I met only a few hours ago, when I suddenly I had an aha moment.
Mmmmmm, that man, that chocolate, sweet smelling, articulate, humorous man had every quality a girl, no, a woman could ever want. It was funny when you think about it because how would I know what qualities the man possessed, I hardly even knew him; no I did not know him at all. He was just doing my dad a favor by driving me home.
The closer we got to my humble abode the more I craved being around him. My insides were going crazy. I wanted him so bad I did not know what to do or how to react toward him, but there was one thing for sure I needed, wanted, and had to have him. The question was how I was going to get him. Too afraid to ask for his number I just stayed silent as he talked I listened and shared a few things with him as well. Damn, I could not believe that I was at a lost for words, not me, mouth oh mighty. Yeah, that is hilarious. I do not recall exactly what it was about him but what I did know was that he drove me insane internally and I did not know how or why. He was making love to me mentally and did not know it but I was absorbing every molecule.
The ride home did not take as long as I would have liked because when I turned around I was closed to home. When he pulled up to my building I was saddened and at the same time frightened because I knew it would be the last time we would ever see each other again. I prayed that it wouldn’t be. On the inside I wanted him to make a move, give me some kind of sign that he was interested in me because I was desperately in awe over the feelings that was drawing me to him. This type of thing had never happened to me before. I am surprised he could not sense it.
As I walked into my building I hoped that he was watching me feeling me as I was feeling him. I wanted him to call out to me and say something, anything about seeing him again, but to no avail. So, I kept walking until I reached the lobby of my building, walked down the stairwell, opened the exit door, walked down the hall and took my keys out as I approached my door. That is when I took a deep breath and sighed as the somberness to control of me. I missed him already. What the hell just happened? I thought to myself.
Anyway, I opened the door feeling puzzled and looking confused, I needed a drink in the worse way. I kept telling myself there was no way in the world I could emotionally attach myself to him. He was a stranger, well he may not have been a stranger to my dad and his wife’s side of the family, but he was a stranger to me, but how was it possible for me to want him as badly as I had. I sat on my couch with drink in hand pondering over my dilemma. I began attempting to process the unusual sensation I was having for a man I met only a few hours ago, when I suddenly I had an aha moment.
The World Around Santee
My name is Santee and I would like you to know that although our lives are like a roller coaster ride, we can make it through anything it may not seem like it at the time, but we can. Our life experiences allow us to be able to help others that will be or are going through similar circumstances. The problem behind our situations is that some of us are afraid to speak about it for whatever reason, and I am not judging anyone on their reasons. I just want you to know that by the grace of GOD, I am able and am willing to speak on my experiences as well as poor choices. Many times, we go through certain challenges and we think there is no way out, but I beg to differ. I am so happy that GOD has blessed me by placing someone in my life that is willing to tell my story, as I am willing to share. Denise Ballard has written a book entitled, "Bruised, Just Not Broken." She has gathered my memories, thoughts, and secrets and placed them on paper for the entire world to read, and I am not ashamed nor do I feel any guilt for doing so.
Understand that me being given away at birth was only the beginning of what the future held for me. I had circum to my inner demons. I grew up embracing anger, defying love, and playing with death. I constantly cried out for help, but no one was listening to the silent teardrops, they were ignored. I felt alone and abandoned and because of this, I am going to allow you into my world; a world filled with past secrets that I hid for many years ad vowed never to reveal, but I realize it is time. These secrets followed me through my childhood and persisted into my adulthood. I struggled through life's experiences with little or no guidance and because of that, I made decisions that consumed my entire being. I became tired, listless, and angry with the world and myself. The constant ride through the depths of hell and not knowing, which will end first, the ride or the excruciating pain that followed it was enough to make me want to hurt myself, but I knew that was not the solution. I had to think of something to do so writing became my outlet. I needed to begin to heal because it became a slow death that consumes every blood vessel and every cell within my soul. The way I was feeling HELL would have been a vacation.
Understand that me being given away at birth was only the beginning of what the future held for me. I had circum to my inner demons. I grew up embracing anger, defying love, and playing with death. I constantly cried out for help, but no one was listening to the silent teardrops, they were ignored. I felt alone and abandoned and because of this, I am going to allow you into my world; a world filled with past secrets that I hid for many years ad vowed never to reveal, but I realize it is time. These secrets followed me through my childhood and persisted into my adulthood. I struggled through life's experiences with little or no guidance and because of that, I made decisions that consumed my entire being. I became tired, listless, and angry with the world and myself. The constant ride through the depths of hell and not knowing, which will end first, the ride or the excruciating pain that followed it was enough to make me want to hurt myself, but I knew that was not the solution. I had to think of something to do so writing became my outlet. I needed to begin to heal because it became a slow death that consumes every blood vessel and every cell within my soul. The way I was feeling HELL would have been a vacation.
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